HAVE THE CONVERSATION

'Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.' Dr. Joyce Brothers

One thing I've learned in all the years of exploring personal development is that communication is everything. It intrigues me that whilst knowing this, there are still times I'm reluctant to have the difficult conversations - even though intellectually I'm aware that such a conversation will bring me closer to the person I need to speak with.

As someone pointed out to me recently, we generally take the path of the least pain in life. We want our relationships to be harmonious and conflict free. But sometimes what appears to be the least painful option in the short term is the very thing that will cause us (and others) the most pain in the future.

A perfect example of this is the way that we avoid those difficult conversations. None of us find it easy to open up when there's a degree of underlying tension in a relationship but dancing around the edges of truth leaves no one feeling satisfied.

It's interesting what you tell yourself when you're avoiding communication...that the other person won't be able to handle hearing what you have to say or that you want to protect them from hurt. When you look more deeply, you're able to also see that both of you are probably less able to handle the loss of intimacy that will come from keeping away from the truth.

Every relationship will have its moments of difficulty. The depth of connection you're able to reach with another person is very much dependent on how willing you are to be open, authentic and honest in your communication.

If there's someone in your life you've lost a bond with, someone you'd like to be closer to - have the conversation.

• Before you have a difficult conversation, be clear about the most important point or points you want to get across. Don't try to tackle too many things at once.

• Choose the right time to have your discussion. Avoid situations where alcohol is involved and where either person is overly tired or emotional.

• Consider how you can say what you need to say without making the other person wrong.

• Allow time for the other person to absorb what you have to say and then be willing to listen to their perspective.

• Be willing to admit where you are wrong.

• As well as having the difficult conversations, have the light and loving ones as well.

ON A PERSONAL NOTE

My mother and I have plenty of conversations (including the difficult ones) which has meant we've been able to maintain our close relationship. It was brought to light just how important that closeness is when mum was diagnosed with breast cancer late last year. She has just completed her treatment and she has been the most inspiring and courageous cancer sufferer I've known.

Mum was positive throughout the treatment which couldn't have come at a more difficult time. My parents had just left Hobart to move to Mt Martha in Victoria which meant they were isolated from their friends and very much without a support network.

While she cried the day her wig arrived, mum was able to laugh at the first photos of herself without any hair. Throughout her treatment she continued to be immaculately groomed and made a point of wearing just a little more eye make up 'to make up for the lack of hair'. She was as beautiful as ever.

She rarely complained and continued to socialise, only surrendering to a few days of rest when the chemo really took its toll.

Her positive spirit and her love of life is contagious. Within just a few months she is surrounded by new friends, as she always has been in her life. We are constantly amazed at her ability to slot into a new place as though she's been there for years.

When her treatment ended a fortnight ago, twenty eight of those friends threw a party for her at a local restaurant to celebrate.

If a successful life was measured by the number of people who love you, my mother is by far the most successful woman I've ever known.